Miles From Where You Are
by Courvoisier
Summary: They had gone through everything and it had always seemed to find a way to work itself out. Fight after fight, it always fell back together. But right now, even though she was right in front of her, Blair felt like Serena was a million miles away.
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: for Caitlyn, who made a freaking amazing video to go with this. I've never written with this pairing before, so I'm hoping that I'll do an alright job! Hope you like it, Caitllynn (insert heart here that doesn't let me use).**_

Laying quite comfortably across her bed, Serena looked over at the familiar figure of Blair beside her. The brunette laid there, her arms draped around her waist loosely. Her eyes were closed, but she wasn't asleep. The quiet hum of the television in the background was the only real sound other than their breathing. Some black and white film was playing in the background (Blair had been dying to see it. She couldn't even remember the name of it). She pulled Blair closer to her, smiling slightly as she pressed her face in to her hair gently. Breathing in the faint smell of strawberries and her perfume mixed together. She felt Blair shift beside her, glancing up curiously with brown eyes and shifting around to see her better.

"What are you thinking about?" Blair asked finally.

She had been expecting that question to come up, and they both knew that Blair already knew the answer.

"The same thing as always, Blair. We should tell people, we can't keep this a secret forever," she murmured, watching her face. This was growing tiresome; it was the same argument over the last month between the two of them. Coming out and telling people, and Blair shot it down every time saying she wasn't ready. Serena was beginning to grow weary over if there was a time that she would ever be ready. It couldn't be a secret forever. At first she had been more understanding, but at the time began to grow the patience seemed to fade away with the days.

Blair said nothing, frowning like always when this came up.

Unwrapping her arms from around her waist, she pulled away from Blair's embrace. Sitting up on the bed, her legs crossed, she watched Blair for a moment.

"I know that you're scared, Blair. I am too. But just hear me out, okay?" She began, sitting up a bit straighter now. She had known her for so long, Serena probably knew her better than she knew herself when it came down to everything. Blair was afraid to be judged, that people wouldn't accept her or be the same around her if they found out. She had the same worries deep down. Blue eyes looked in to her own brown eyes.

"I know you're scared. It's not going to be easy. Hell, I'm scared too. But we can't hide this forever, you know?" she said quietly.

"I'm not scared, S," she replied, shifting uncomfortably.

Serena frowned at her. She could tell right through the fact that Blair was lying. Evidently she was afraid; she could not see any other reason. Slouching almost in defeat, she looked down at the cream-coloured comforter. Her hair fell in to her face and over her shoulders; she made no movement to push it back. Her mind was running at a million miles an hour trying to figure out what it could be. Blair's fingers brushed against the soft skin of her cheek, and a weary sigh slipped through her lips. She brushed the hair back from Serena's face, tucking it behind her ear.

"Then what is it, Blair?" She asked, looking up at her.

"I'm... just not ready. Not yet."

"Then you are scared, and it's-"

"-I'm not scared, Serena."

"Blair."

"Serena."

A look of hurt crossed her face. "Are you embarrassed then? Is that why you don't want to tell people?"

"I don't know! No, Serena- I didn't mean it that way. I just... don't know, okay?"

"Sure you didn't, Blair," she said, completely defeated. Swinging her legs over the bed, she stood up.

"I didn't, S. Sit back down."

Not saying anything, she just picked up the sweater that she had thrown on the floor earlier. Tugging it on, she did the zipper up.

"Serena, listen to me- I don't know, it's not that- I can't explain it!"

"Then call me when you do know and can explain it, B," she murmured, looking over at her with sad eyes.

Blair scrambled off the bed, grabbing her hand. Serena pulled it away and pushed her hair back from her face.

"Please don't go."

"Just… call me when you've made your mind up, Blair."

"It's almost two am, you're not going anywhere," Blair said to her, stepping closer.

Shaking her head and grabbing her bag, she walked out of the room down the hallway.

"Serena!" Blair whispered loudly, rushing down behind her. She didn't want to wake her mother or Dorota up, and Serena was not making this easy.

"You're overreacting, I didn't mean it that way."

Standing in the elevator, Serena said nothing to her. The door closed before Blair made it to them, leaning back against the wall, she rubbed her face as the elevator lurched and began to descend. Her throat was tight and her chest throbbed, but she swallowed hard. She was not going to cry over this, and the fact that she had tears of frustration building up in the corner of her eyes made her even angrier.

Blair stood there, watching as the doors closed and the figure of her best (girl?)friend disappeared. She did this every single time, except not to this extent. They'd get in to a fight about it, but then eventually talk their way out of it. Serena had never quite gotten this defensive and flustered about it. Blair truly didn't know what to tell her, she just didn't know. Serena would be back, probably within the next couple minutes. She never went too far. Walking carefully and quietly along the floor, she went back to her room and sat on her bed. Staring at the movie, then back down at her phone. The minutes passed, and she didn't come back. Hitting the second button on her speed dial, she listened to it ringing, waiting for her to pick up.

Voicemail.

Now, she was just irritated.

"Serena, you're overreacting. Get your ass back in here, seriously. You don't even have shoes on. Let's talk this out. You can't just jump to conclusions like this."

Hanging up, she waited. A bout of worry sank in to the pit of her stomach, but she pushed it back. She was just overreacting and ignoring her calls; it wouldn't have been the first time. She lay there with her eyes closed, determined not to fall asleep until Serena either called her or came back.


	2. Chapter 2

_Her fingers tangled in the blond curls, pulling her closer as their lips pressed together. She could feel Serena's hands running under her shirt, her cold hands sending tingles down her warm skin. Against the kiss, Serena laughed at her goosebumps, running her hands higher teasingly. _

"_Blair," she murmured against her lips, pressing herself closer..._

"Miss Blair?"

Groggily opening her eyes, she sat up quite abruptly. She hadn't intended to fall asleep. Searching around wildly, she grabbed her cell phone from off the edge of her bed. She completely ignored Dorota, she had two unread text messages. Neither of which were from Serena. Frowning with frustration and worry sitting in her stomach, she looked over at Dorota.

"Yes?"

Dorota blinked at her, before looking around. "Did miss Serena already leave for the brunch?"

The brunch. Of course. How could she had forgotten about the brunch that Lily was hosting. Forcing a smile on her lips, she just nodded. "Yeah, she left earlier this morning. I'll be down in a bit."

For a moment Dorota looked like she didn't believe her, but walked out to leave Blair to get ready. Picking up her phone, she called her again. Not bothering to leave her a message, she threw her phone on the bed and disappeared in her bathroom to get ready.

When she came downstairs half an hour later, her mother gave her a scolding look. "We were supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago!"

"I couldn't decide what to wear," she said in reply, shrugging her shoulders.

Arriving at the brunch it didn't seem like they had missed much. Eleanor and Cyrus walked off to go talk to Lily and Rufus, leaving Blair on a mission to find Serena. She looked around for the blond, and didn't see her right away. Panic set in to her stomach, what if something had happened to her? Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her standing there, laughing and talking to Nate like nothing had happened (and looking absolutely stunning as always). Maybe she had just lost her phone, she thought to herself as she walked over there.

Nate noticed Blair before Serena did, smiling at her easily. "You're here awfully late," he told her teasingly.

Not in the mood, Blair reached over and grabbed Serena's arm. "Yeah. Serena, can I have a word with you, alone?"

She didn't say anything, but allowed Blair to drag her off down the hallway in to Serena's room. Shutting the door behind her, she made sure to stand right in the doorway so she couldn't go anywhere. "What the hell was that last night, S? You worried me sick. You could have answered your damn phone, would that have been too much to ask for? Or even text me, what if something happened to you? I barely slept all night worrying about _you._"

Serena didn't look at her for a moment, crossing her arms she looked up at her. "I didn't sleep much either, so I guess that makes two of us."

Sighing in frustration, Blair took a couple of rushed steps toward her. "Stop avoiding what I asked you."

"I didn't want to talk to you, Blair. I just needed to think, and in the spur of the moment I couldn't really think straight."

"You jumped to a conclusion, Serena!"

"You couldn't give me an answer. I still think I'm right."

"Well, you're not."

"Then why, Blair? And don't say you don't know," she met her gaze, watching as her brown eyes fell to the floor. Her silence was more painful than words, and answered her question better than any words could. Reaching up and teasing a curl around her finger, she continued on softly, "I want to be someone's forever, B."

"Don't say forever. I don't think there actually is something as forever in this world. Look at everyone around us. You said that about Dan years ago, and I said that about Nate... and Chuck." A pained expression crossed Blair's face for a moment. "Forever just doesn't seem real anymore."

Looking up at Serena, she noticed that there were tears in her eyes. She sighed, rubbing at her face, looking very close to the verge of breaking down and crying. "Forever _is_ real with the right person. It just takes awhile to find that person. Right now I'm with exactly who I want to be with. But you know, she doesn't feel the same way."

"How can you say that? Thorough all my years with Nate... my whole life really. You've always been number one," Blair whispered, taking a step closer to her. Reaching up, her warm hands cupped Serena's face and brushed away a stray tear. "You know that I love you, S."

"Maybe we're not on the same page, Blair. Seeing this in the same sense, because if you knew you wouldn't doubt it. You wouldn't doubt us. You wouldn't tell me that you didn't know, because you would know."

"I just... need to get my thoughts straight. It's been a hard couple of months-"

"- are you just trying to use me as a rebound from Chuck at your convenience? This is my point, I want to someone's definite. Not a maybe when we're alone. I love you, I really do, but I don't want it to be like this. Either you want this, or you don't. I'm not going to chase you trying to figure out what you want forever, you need to make that decision on your own. You let me know when you do," she murmured, her voice trembled with her lips quivering as she spoke.

"How many times have I had to tell you, I would never use anyone, especially you as a rebound! I can't even believe you'd even accuse me of that!"

"Don't cry. Please, Blair. Just go back out to the brunch, okay?"

"Serena-"

"Just go."

Her voice broke, turning her back to her she walked off to the bathroom. Blair just gawked after her, staring for a moment at the way the golden stress clung to her curves. Wiping at her eyes, she took in a shaky breath and tried to gain composer before walking back out to the brunch. It wouldn't look great if she came back sobbing and Serena not there. Walking out, she put on her best smile to seem like nothing happened, sitting down in a spare seat between Chuck and Nate, she immediately grabbed a glass of champagne and took a deep sip.

"Thirsty?" Chuck asked, raising a brow and taking his own drink to his lips.

"Yes," she mumbled, sitting up straighter and watching for Serena. She could feel Nate and Chuck's eyes on her, but she politely just helped herself to a small quantity of food and pushed it around on her plate.

"Where's Serena?" Nate asked, looking around before looking over at Blair.

"She wasn't feeling well and went to lay down," she replied after a moment. Surprisingly, both of them believed her (well, maybe not Chuck, he just looked at her and said nothing).

The brunch went on and Serena never came. Blair picked at her food, looking up every couple minutes to see if she was going to come. She felt defeated, and torn up when she didn't come. The crowd of people began to thin, including Chuck. The crowd of people began to thin, leaving only Nate and Blair sitting in the dining room as people began to clean up.

"Our parents are going to be awhile, aren't they?"

"Probably."

"Serena isn't sick, is she?" 

She was surprised, she didn't take Nate as one to be that observant (as much as she loved him, in a friend way now, he never had been one to clue in to things that quickly). "No," she said.

"You guys got in to a fight, didn't you?"

"Yes."

Leaning back in the chair and loosening his tie, he looked over at her. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really... it's a long, complicated story."

"I have time," he told her, raising a brow. "I know you and Serena, and whatever it is you guys will work it out."

"It's different this time, Nate."

"Which is the same thing you say every single time. You guys are different friends, I don't know how to explain it. You just don't act like normal best friends, I guess-" He laughed, "but then, none of us are normal friends. How is it different then?"

She considered telling him for a long time. A bit of panic rose up in her throat, did he know? No. It was Nate. He couldn't know, no one but her and Serena knew. She just wished it wasn't always like this, through fights and secrecy. But their relationship (she could call it one now, friendship just didn't work anymore)... It truly wasn't something she was comfortable even admitting to herself (not that she'd ever tell Serena. She didn't even know why, the fear of being judged for being different was one of the reasons, but there was so much more that she couldn't even explain. Sighing, she reached over to the bottle of champagne that had been left and topped her glass up. Tilting the glass around in her hands without spilling any of the golden liquid, she looked over at him. "You can't say anything, alright?"


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN: Sorry it took me so long to update... I deserve a smack in the back of the head. I promise I'll be better about it!**_

Pressing her face in to the satin pillow case, Serena considered screaming in to it. It was tempting, but with everyone around her house she didn't think it would be the best idea. A knock on her door made her look up, a frown set in across her face as she stared at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. Not in the mood to deal with people.

The door opened and her brother stepped in, eyeing her worriedly. "You alright?" He asked, sitting down on the end of her bed. "You weren't at brunch at all. And Blair looked like she was about to cry the whole time and pretty much downed every drink that she got her hands on. Don't tell me that nothing happened between you two, because evidently something did." Erik moved closer to her, rubbing her arm.

Blue eyes watched him sadly as he spoke, laughing quietly she shook her head. "Not really. Well. I am. I'm just hurt, and frustrated," she said to her brother. "Yeah we got in to a fight, but it was over nothing. The same old shit as usual, don't worry about it."

"I don't believe that it's nothing. But I won't ask if you don't want to talk about." He reached over, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and hugging her. "But if you ever do want to talk about anything, you know you can talk to me, right? You know where to find me."

Smiling and leaning in to her brother, she wrapped her arm around him in return. "Thanks, Erik. It's hard with her, you know? I never quite know where we stand." She wiped at her face, shaking her head.

Erik raised a brow at her for a moment before saying, "Well. She is Blair Waldorf. Nothing about her is ever going to be simple or easy. Your friendship has never been simple, but I know you guys will work it out. You always do."

Serena just nodded at him, sighing. "No, it hasn't," she mumbled under her breath.

Erik broke away from the embrace, looking over at her. "You guys will be okay, by the end of tomorrow you'll be running around downtown giggling and smiling like nothing happened. By the way, if you do decide to leave your room you're gonna wanna wash your face. Because the whole mascara tear stained look might raise a couple of questions."

She just laughed and wiped at her face more as she watched her brother walk out. As hurt and frustrated as she was, he had a point. They always worked things out between them. Although it was a bit different this time, it wasn't about college, it wasn't about Nate or Chuck, it was about them which was a whole different ball game. "Why are things always so complicated?" Serena mumbled out loud to herself. Standing up and off of her bed, she walked over to the full length mirror. Reaching back to unzip her dress, she let it fall to the floor to step out of it. Pulling on an oversized t-shirt she left on the ground, she just crawled in to her bed and considered trying to sleep until everyone left. It sounded like a good idea, but her mind was restless and wouldn't settle.

* * *

><p><p>

Setting the glass of champagne down, Blair looked over at Nate. "I don't really know how to explain, or even where to start. It's hard." Reaching up she ran her fingers through the brown curls gently, a gesture that was done mostly out of habit and to try and relax herself. Playing with her jaw, she really didn't know how to say "I love Serena but I can't admit that I like girls and it's hurting her and I don't want to hurt her" without it being a huge shock, or just how to even say that out loud. The more she thought about it, the more flustered she became about the whole situation. Of course she loved Serena, she was her best friend. But best friends didn't want each other the way they did. But maybe it was just a faze? Her mind continued to turn and turn around all the possibilities, and even though she knew the answer she just couldn't bring herself to say it. Looking up at Nate, who was just staring at her expectantly.

"Serena likes me," she mumbled, pretty much mentally smacking her face in to a wall after she said that. Good going, Waldorf, she thought to herself.

Out of all the things he could do, Nate just looked at her and laughed for a moment before replying, "Of course she does. Shes your best friend, of course she likes you. I'd be a bit worried if you guys were friends and she didn't like you."

Blair just sighed at him and rolled her eyes. "Nate! You are the most blind person I know. She _likes_ me," she said, putting as much emphasis on the 'like' as she could, hoping that maybe he'd catch on. It baffled her how oblivious Nate was sometimes.

"Well- oh. Oh. Oh okay. I see what you mean now. Are you sure? This is Serena you are talking about right? The same one we both know, right? Blond, blue eyes-"

"Yes, Nate. How many other Serena's do you know?"

"... none."

"Exactly."

"Are you sure, Blair?"

"Yes."

"How do you even-"

"-Lets not go there right now, alright? Just listen."

Nate just gawked at her, more confused than anything. Blair just shook her head at him, wondering how the boy even managed to graduate high school and get in to a decent college at this point. She probably should have done that a bit more tactfully, being put on the spot with this sort of thing was a bit more difficult than what she had thought it would be. It just wasn't something she could say or let herself believe. This was the same battle that was destroying what they had right now. Deep down she knew if she didn't sort everything out she'd lose her best friend in all of it. She didn't want to hurt her anymore, but Blair just didn't know. She was so confused about the whole thing. Instead of the confusion she just wanted a clear answer, but everything was blurred and hazy. Just when she thought that she had maybe figured something out she changed her mind. Opening her mouth, she just let the words come out with no thought. Since for once, thinking seemed to get her in to more trouble than good.

"It's just... yes, she does like me, and I am sure of it. She loves me, Nate- and I mean that more than the whole best friend thing. I just... I'm tired of hurting her. She wants a definite answer that I can't give her. Because I don't know if... well. I'm like that, you know?" She said tentatively, biting the inside of her cheek for a moment.

Nate took advantage of the silence. Clearing his throat and studying her face for a moment, she could tell he was really trying to pick his words carefully. He had never been hard to read, she thought to herself.

"Well, Blair. I can't tell you much, but you need to figure that out soon. Because eventually someone is going to get hurt. You guys can't keep going on like that, a relationship can only take so much strain. I mean that as a friendship too, you guys have been through hell and back. You guys can figure it out, you always seem too," he said to her after a long moment of silence. Standing up, he smiled at her. "You just need to figure it out, because like I said, someone is going to get hurt."

Nodding, she just sighed. "I already figured that much, Nate."

He laughed, "I had a feeling you would have. You're smart."

She stood up, pressing the creases out her dress. "But thanks, Nate. You know, for listening."

"You're welcome. You know I'm always here for you, Blair."

The two smiled at each other in silence, unable to find any other words.


	4. Chapter 4

She sat there with Nate in silence, but it wasn't for all that long. Soon their parents emerged with Lily, laughing and smiling like nothing had gone wrong. She could always feel the Captain's eyes on her and Nate, even though they had been broken up for a year Blair had a feeling that he still wanted her and Nate to get together like it had been in the plan. Just the thought made quiet laughter slip through her red glossy lips. The two of them had just never been made to work out. Eventually they would have clashed due to difference of interest and part their ways. At least that's what she'd like to think what would happen between them, there was always the possibility she would go through grinning and bearing it because Nate was supposed to be her fairy tale prince to rescue the damsel in distress. She chose not to think of it that way though. Looking over at the crowd of parents, Blair allowed her best award winning smile to tug at the corners of her mouth. Showing off her perfectly straight, white teeth, she stood up and made her way over to the group.

"Is it time for us to go already, mom?" She asked, hoping it was sounding somewhat convincing. Truthfully she definitely did not want to have to stick around any longer, and almost sighed loudly in relief when Cyrus nodded at her since her mother was too distracted by the conversation with Nate's mother.

"Blair, where did Serena go? I don't think I saw her all brunch," Lilly said suddenly. She frowned in her direction, it was evident she wasn't very happy about her daughter disappearing from the social event.

"Serena was really not feeling well and went to lay down. She didn't want too, but she just did not look good so I made her lay down," Blair said without missing a beat. She knew what to say and how to say it, frowning worriedly in Lilly's direction she continued on: "She was worried you'd be upset if she didn't stick around to say hello. But her stomach was really bothering her, she didn't look good at all. Nate agreed with me and told her to lie down, right Nate?"

"Yeah… right."

Lilly nodded, and looked for a moment like she was going to believe the lies that Blair spilled about her daughter. Straightening her dress and smiling innocently in Lilly's direction, she waited patiently until all of them agreed to part ways. Hugging Nate good bye, she made her way back to the waiting limo and climbed inside. Avoiding their gaze, she stayed out the window as they drove through a particularly dreary looking New York. Pressing her forehead against the cool glass, she closed her eyes and tried to drown out the sound of her parent's mindless conversation that held absolutely no importance to her once so ever.

No matter what she did, somehow her thoughts kept wandering back to a certain blonde.

Her mother's voice broke her from her thoughts. She slowly fixed her brown eyes on her mom. "What?"

"Of course you weren't listening to me, Blair. I was asking you earlier if you and Serena got in to another fight?"

"No, did you not hear me talking to Lilly? She's not feeling well."

"I think we all find that a bit hard to believe, Blair. When we walked in she was as bubbly and happy as ever, sipping her mimosas like it was going out of style."

Shaking her head and sighing in her mother's direction, "no, mom. She seriously wasn't feeling good. Okay? She can act well enough and hide things."

Eleanor seemed to feel that trying to find out anything more was a lost cause and fell silent, leaving her daughter to return staring out the window and battling down the butterflies in that fluttered in her stomach when she thought about Serena. Even when she tried not too, somehow she just crept her way back in to her mind.

She hated it.

Blair wished she hated it.

She loved it. She loved her and everything about her as much as she told herself she just couldn't.

God damn.

* * *

><p>Pressing her face in to the satin pillowcase with her hair sprawled out around her. Serena had managed to almost drift off in to a light state of sleep. Almost, being the key word. Without much warning the sound of her door flying open and hitting the wall caused her to wince, followed by her mother's voice as she walked in.<p>

"Serena, I plan a perfectly good brunch and the least you can do is show up for at least half of it! Was that too much to ask? Everyone was asking where you were since you suddenly disappeared. Blair gave me some story about you being sick that I'm just not buying, did you guys get in to a fight again or something?"

'Of course she did,' Serena thought to herself before she rolled over, rubbing her face she looked up at her mom. "No, we didn't. She's right. I'm really not feeling well; I came to lay down for a bit hoping it pass and fell asleep. Sorry mom," she lied.

Her mother's eyebrows shot up. "You expect me to believe that?"

"It's the truth."

"You look like you've been crying, next time you're going to feed me some bullshit story at least wipe the mascara from down your cheeks."

Without giving her time to defend herself, her mother turned on her heels and left her sitting there. Falling back in to her pillows, Serena groaned in to her hands. She hated Blair for doing this to her, she hated feeling this way to her. That wasn't true; she hated the fact that she never quite knew where she stood with Blair. One moment it was friends, just friends and never more- the next the brunette was all over her (not that she could complain about that one bit). All she wanted was a solid yes or no, and she didn't feel like that was asking much. Even if the no would break her heart, either way she was just sick of playing these games. Unlike her step brother, she was not one to go along tugging on heart strings for her own amusement. Especially when it was her own heart ripped out of her chest, she didn't want these kinds of games.

"I just want an answer," she said softly to herself. Laying on her back and lacing her fingers over her flat stomach, staring up at the ceiling, she sat over as far to the left on her bed as she could.

Blair always slept on the right.

* * *

><p>Ignoring Dorota asking her what happened, Blair drowned her out with the sound of her own heels clicking down the tiled floor. Shutting her room door behind her, she flopped down on bed and kicked off her shoes.<p>

She found herself battling in her head as always, about the same damn battle. Serena. It was so clear to her what she wanted in the moment, when she was near her breathing in her intoxicating scent that no one could replicate. But the moment she stood away, laying in her own bed her own decision didn't seem that clear. Either way, Blair was terrified that she was going to lose her. She felt the process already starting. The chain that had once been unbreakable had many cracks and chips weakening the links over the years. Fight after fight, but the chain never broke.

Something stirred inside of her at the thought. Eventually the links would break and never be mended back together. Every day she put off giving Serena the answer she wanted, she felt like she put more strain on the weakened links. She was beginning to feel that even when she sat beside her so close they were touching, she was beginning to slide away out of her grasp.

It was like Serena was a thousand miles away from her even when they were in the same room. Just today there had been a mere moment where she could have reached out and touched her, push those stray strands of hair back and out of her face. Sighing to herself, even when she had been standing there right in front of her Blair felt like Serena was somewhere far, far away from her.

In all honesty, it was the worst feeling in the world.

She decided right then and there that tomorrow she would talk to her. Tomorrow she would fix things between them so they didn't break even more than she had made them. Throwing her phone down on the left side of her bed, she looked over at the empty spot and was shocked at the fact she almost felt her heart throb in her chest at the emptiness. Serena always slept on the left, and she wished more than ever she was there right now.

Blair would fix this even if it meant she'd die trying.


End file.
